The moment you start relying on someone to be happy is the moment your happiness is out of your control. That is a lesson I wish I told myself years ago. But in order to learn more about the nature of society, sometimes you have to go through the hardships of it.
As a 21-year-old woman, it becomes increasingly more difficult to shelter myself from the sadness of society. As a teenager, I did it subconsciously by distracting myself with video games and creative media. But now that I'm participating in society, I have to be the guardian of my own life. That means I have to experience bad situations to learn how to avoid them.
Many of those experiences comes from friendships. Sad to say, but I realised I've been let down by people as they brought me into unsafe or unbalanced environments. Because my happiness depended on people, when these unhealthy dymanics occured... I became a people pleaser to them, giving what they want while being left with crumbles. For each time they brought me into an unhealthy space, I believed I was worth what I received. Truly, I believed in my heart I deserved it.
I went through so much pain through these situations, only for the solution to be so simple: just let go. Often, hurt people don't want help, only to cry on someone's shoulder about said hurt. If you express discomfort with the dymanic, they take it as an attack. So be the silent leaf in the loud wind and let yourself drift away from the thorn.
It is funny how I was so desperate for friendship in the previous entry and now I'm saying I shouldn't rely on people to be happy. Though, in actuality, it's actually better to have both mindsets when it comes to friendships. Instead of obsessing over friendships, I need to focus on what I love the most, art. Which is why I need to stop caring about real life matters and focus on my digital dream world. No one else's but my own.
I don't say this in a bitter way either. Real life has many wonderful gifts, but many flaws comes from society in itself. The competition of beauty and success, work culture, older people projecting their insecurities onto the youth... It becomes exhausting for any 21-year-old. I have to admit, reality has dulled my expectations for friendships because society believes everyone needs a role and when they can't figure out where you "fit", they will assign one to you. I like being the funny one, but sometimes I feel hollow from it by overperforming. And when I'm not the funny one, I'm typically given the carer role, which seems to be the root of my problems.
On another note, my new volunteer placement is going well, I'm doing it twice a week. I can't say if I'l make friends there, but I want to take it slow and steady, that includes friendships too.