...

I have briefly touched on this topic before, but...

I believed, truly, I was ugly as a kid. I didn’t allow photos to be taken, only rarely. In those rare moments, I deemed those photos to be ugly. Now, I have faced the punishment of my younger years and cannot find many photos of myself as a kid. I had to trace back to other people’s photos, such as my mother’s, in order to find the truth. If I have no photo evidence of my ugliness, I also have none of my beauty. I’d have proof for none.

Though, my view of beauty is different. In fact, this entire time, I’ve been looking for something else. Familiarity. I distanced myself from my past for years that I grew detached from it, my face included. I wished to connect with myself, yet I couldn’t see the similarities of my past and present self. It was truly dissociation. The worst of it was during 2022, when I took my photo ID. I was horrified by my face and couldn’t look at myself for almost a whole year. Because of that, I struggled to see the resemblance of my younger self. I believe at that point, I lost a significant part of my identity. Not only did I leave the memories behind, but also my interests and most importantly… My face.

And so, I used to think I changed… but now I look back and I realised no, I’m the same. Before, my ideals of beauty led me to believe I was ugly. I still struggle with those thoughts. But now, I see beauty in withholding the facial features from the past. It just makes me happy… Happy knowing that she didn’t leave me. I didn’t leave her.

I know I can't fully heal myself, not as quickly as this. But, I like to think I've finally conquered my fears. I can leave this chapter and move onto the next. In fact, I'm going to become brave and step up my game - I'm planning to start new volunteer work. I'm already juggling my cat care volunteer work and dog walks, but I'd like to do more soon. Be more. But, that isn't to say I'm already worthy as I am now.

On a lighter note, it's almost frightening it is May. No, maybe frightening isn't the right word... Unfair. It only feels like the second day of May, yet here we are, at the 11th. By June, Deltarune 3 and 4 will release. By July, Art Fight will begin. Now I am worried, will I have enough time to dedicate myself to the activities that I love? I suppose that is apart of adulthood - everything feels so fast. I'd love to play Deltarune immediately, but there's my backlog... Sad times.