There was a moment in 2024 when I realised to myself, I don't know my younger self very well. Through my younger to middle adolscence, I never had a desire to connect with my past. Back then, my past was my past, I am my present. I still hold this value today. Except, I wanted to be more than my present, I wanted to hold onto all the previous versions before me. People could see this in a negative light, but I see this as me choosing not to run away anymore. Before, I turned my back to memories of my younger as I was afraid of the memories that broke me. However, if I only view my younger years in a negative light, the fondness within them will only be forgotten. I want to remember those times - the moments that were so precious to me.
And so, I'm having a self-reflection journey. I'm spending more time with my mother, watching movies with her. It might not be the same, but as long as it returns me back to the past, then it is enough to satisfy me. I don't like to see this as me escaping to the past, but rather learning how to appericate both the past and the future. By telling myself, "It's okay. You were okay."
In the middle of this, I've also rediscovered Undertale. It isn't as easy as people think, to remember the goodness of the past. Especially when one negative memory can outweigh ten good ones. I played the game as a newcomer would, casually going through the underground. As I explored each area, I remembered little crumbles of my pre-teen self's happy moments. Back then, I was very active on Tumblr and came across Zombietale. I loved the comic so much and was in joy when they released a physical version of the series. I was into Horrortale, when they made the game on deviantart and I was thrilled as I watched youtubers play it. Or even when I watched episodes of Glitchtale on Youtube - though, I must admit, I never watched the full episodes.
Most importantly, I remembered why I 'fell' in love with Undertale. The heartfelt characters, the memorable music, laughter and sorrow... How could I not love it? When I reflect on the media I recieved as a pre-teen, I realised incredibly fortunate I was to be born in my generation. I was raised with Pewdiepie, Markiplier and StampyLongNose. I'm grateful for the joy they brought to all children across the world. Though, I must admit, I also watched ManlyBadassHero - not exactly a family friendly Youtuber.
Returning to Undertale AUs, I remember obsessing over Ragnartale... Though, that isn't to say I didn't obsess over other AUs. However, this one in particular... I have to admit, could possibly be the starting point of my interest for knights. People could look at my OCs and think "Huh, I guess she recently got into kingdom characters," No. I was obsessed with Barbie as a child, majority of the movies relating to princesses. I played Sonic and The Black Knight as an older child. I realised, hilariously, I have drawn a path towards my fascination for knights... It all add up, huh?