Relief After The Storm
23 Feb, 2025
I notice I tend to focus on real life subjects when it comes to my blogs. Not to say that I don't enjoy it, but it doesn't showcase my current hobbies and interests. So here I am, trying to reveal more of my lighter self - and perhaps healing myself in the process.
I've always seen music as a stress relief to my problems. Whenever I face difficulties, music plays in my mind. I am generally forgetful of my memories, but when it comes to music, I am able to remember even the oldest songs in my head. It's a gift that I am thankful for. I can complain all I want about bad memory, at least I have a good tune to hum to. Call me dorky, but I like to sing while doing housework, I could repeat the same song for hours on end and not grow tired of it. Try it for yourself, I heard it eases stress.
Normally I listen to music on Spotify, but I'm really getting into listening to music on Youtube. There's a Youtube channel that hosts 'Tiny Desk Concert' where artists, big and small, perform their songs in a small rooms. What makes these concerts so special to me is the instruments. They focus less on modern backtracks and rely on real, authentic instruments. I've always had a soft spot for jazz, even as a teenager. So it is more than a blessing to listen to all these artists lean towards jazz in these concerts. I found some incredible artists like Doechii, Beabadoobee, and The Marías through Tiny Desk Concert. It's easy to idolise these artists who sing on a stage because we see them as their art - untouchable and unworldly. I watched Chappell Roam's Grammy speech, who is an incredible singer, and made me realise they hide their struggles because they have to. Just like how Youtubers need to keep a persona, celebrities do the same. Some celebrities could be suffering more financially than we realise, whether it is being in debt, being forced to sell their song, or controlled by a music publishing company.
I recently gained attention on Tumblr and it's a little startling. I'm thankful that my art is getting the recognision I so desperately wished for, but now I'm a little afraid of disappointing my followers. I wonder to myself, 'what if I backtrack in my art?' I saw a YouTube video about popular Twitter artists who wished they didn't have to draw trending characters and I hope I never reach that state. It's frightening, knowing that you have more freedom as a lesser known artist, yet you can also crave as much attention as a highly known artist. To me, social media attention is a drug, you get hooked onto the concept and once you have a taste of it, you'd want more. By freeing myself from this need for attention, I can free myself from the fear of disappointing my fans. Because, after all, I do not owe my followers content, they only follow me to watch my art journey. I just have to tell myself, this attention is only fleeting, I shouldn't have to chase after it. A video from David Bowie, who is an incredible artist in many forms, resonates with me on this topic. "Never work for other people. Always remember the reason you initially started working was that there was something inside yourself that you felt if you could manifest it in some way you could understand more about yourself."
Now, onto very exciting news. Last month, I dedicated many of my nights to fulfil my nighttime driving. Why, do you ask? In case you forgot, I am on my learners at 21. In Australia, you need 75 hours of supervised driving with a fully licensed person before getting your Ps. Even then, you need to pass your car test, which costs $400. And if you fail? Time to spend another $400, then you still have to pay $170 for your P license, so it is easily almost $1000. As someone is forgetful, anxious and neurodivergent... It's terrifying. I'm used to disappointing myself that I already imagined myself failing. My driving instructor, who is the kindest teacher I know - always willing to raise my confidence and understands my worth - told me that I will be having my car test at 6:30 AM in the morning. I'm a breakfast kind of gal, so I needed to be awake a while beforehand. I was so anxious that I would oversleep that I kept walking up at every hour, dreaming that it was 5:00 AM. Each time was devastating.
Finally it was 4:58 AM and I decided to get up and make myself oatmeal with some fruit and greek yogurt. I was so anxious that I actually visited the toliet three times beforehand, each time I did loose bowls. I did a little practice lesson with my driving instructor and I was relatively good until I did one mistake and somehow I came crashing down. Even my instructor picked it up and said I shouldn't worry about my mistakes - but it was hard not to when I consider the money involved. At the time, I had the assumption, based on the internet, that if I made a single mistake I would fail and the tester wouldn't tell me, they would only tell me to go back. The tester arrived and he was kind, although intimated me. He told me that there was nothing to worry about and how there was a student who actually vomited beforehand, but I can't say if that made me feel better. I didn't take glimpses, but sometimes I would observe him from the blurry corner of my eye and notice him writing.
There were moments where I felt like he was disappointed in me. For every small error, I would curse myself at the back of my mind - but I couldn't say it out loud, I didn't know if I was the only one who noticed. I could already imagine myself failing, all the money disappearing. Then I made a mistake during the reverse parallel parking. I stopped in place, I was already considering to ask him if I could leave, if he could spare me my time and fail me on the spot. All I could do was look at the back camera. The car tester took me out of my troubling thoughts and said what do I do next. So all I could do was rotate my car in a different direction, which wasn't apart of the steps. Everything carried out like normal, except anxiety began to affect my driving. I knew he was trying to calm me down with the small chats, but I truly believed he was prepared to fail me, considering my limited knowledge of the process. Finally, we arrived back and I awaited for the results. I barely passed. It was so surreal, knowing that all my hardwork paid off. I almost couldn't process it, how could I after all the worry? My car instructor drove me back home and I said my goodbyes to him. It was a long journey, having to drive with my dad and dog walker client, but I did it. Straight afterwards, I went to the service office to register for my Ps... Which was $170, although apparently it's valid until 2028 so it's not too bad. After all of that worry, I can now drive by myself an inch closer towards the next phase of my life, wherever that might be.