It's always deeply wounding to lose a friend. Apart of me wishes not to acknowledge it, to turn a blind eye to it so they wouldn't get an inch of my attention. Yet even so, I would be lying to myself about how signifiant it is. It is apart of my history, therefore I must write of it's existence.
I didn't expect this incident to be apart of my 2025 bingo card... But here it is. I lost a friend, not to death, but to a misunderstanding. A friend who I considered a best friend, although I am unsure how strongly they felt about me. It hurt me so dearly, knowing I had to relive a memory from high school, a time when another ex-friend left me. Except, this time it was erupt, as if they planned for this conversation long ago. I never wanted this to happen. And yet... I don't think I can bring my ex-friend back into my life.
If my ex-friend ever tries to come back into my life, I don't think I could let them. I would be disrespecting myself and letting this cycle happen all over again. If you must know an inch of the contexts, I woke up at 1:00 AM, only to see they message that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I wanted to write a goodbye message, but they already unfriended me - meaning I couldn't message them. We were doing a visual novel list together and I wanted to check the document so I could download the tier lists we created together. It was gone. They already unfriended me on steam as well. We used to voice chat twice a week, yet I was already gone from their life. All I could think was, "Were they waiting for this moment? How long did they play pretend?" It truly questioned my friendship, along with the illusion of a trusting and kind individual.
Emotional immaturity only blinds people from the perspective of other lives. And sadly, I was victim of such act. If they could say goodbye so easily without a proper farewell, only to come back with apology - no matter the length of the apology - did I only serve to fill their loneliness once more? For those times they called me their best friend, was I only their primary comfort? Or did they want a dose of control over a friendship, the knowledge that they can end and start a friendship whenever they please.
At the end, I realised I was gaslit into normalising myself being the therapist that my friend needed. She would deny a therapist, yet use me as such. As much as I tried to confront her that I didn't like the conversations, she would continue to trauma dump to me. And what else could I do but listen? I was so scared of hurting her that I hurt myself, and eventually she hurt me. It was an insecure friendship, one that I needed to remove from my life if I wanted to have a brighter future in 2025.
There is a never better truth than this quote, "Bad company corrupts good character", and I need to apply it to my life. I see this friendship as a lesson that I needed to learn, despite how painful it is.
It doesn't mean I feel hateful from the memories we shared. I don't regret a single thing that I did for them and I will remain thankful for everything they did for me. I could only wish things could be differently, but I won't hate myself for this - after all, if they said goodbye so easily, maybe it is for the best. We shared our moments together and shared our course in life.
And if you are reading this, my once-best-friend, I'd like to give you a farewell that i never recieved. Thank you for being apart of my life, only for a little while. I appericated every moment of spending time and hangout out with you. Even though there were situations where we weren't happy, it was still worth the experience to me. I don't know what you think of me now or what you thought of me back then, but I geniunely enjoyed your company. The time when we found your My Little Pony birthday card in the shopping centre, we watched the car competition, went shopping together, played the retro games together. all of it. You don't need compare yourself to anyone. You know what is it right for you, yet at the same time, don't give into the thoughts in your head and consider the impact of your words. Yes, I am hurt, naturally so, and I don't think I can enter back into your life. But that doesn't mean you can't open yourself to new friendships. I hope you achieve your goals, I know you can.
Best of wishes, your once-best-friend.