Healing myself is like completing a puzzle, except you're against your "shadow" self, who is aiming to put away the pieces back into the box. With each piece you reconnect to the jigsaw puzzle, a few more a taken away. As I step forward with healing myself, I unknowingly take a few steps backwards.

I love being structured, but I also get burnt out easily. Despite this, I still want to complete so many goals in one day. If I don't? Then I end up feeling depressed, which is far worse than being burnt out. It's pathetic to admit, but I need to tell myself - no more will I scroll mindlessly on apps. I will refrain from pressing on apps for no reason, even if that reason is to "catch up". I will refrain from distractions that won't lead me to achieve my goals.

A good example of distractions is the times where I buy a game because it's on sale... Even though I have other games that I need to finish. Even just having a backlog is exhausting since it makes games into a chore, you'd have thoughts like "I have to finish this if I want to play my other games." Because your motivation for playing games won't be for the games you are currently playing, it will be for the future games you hope to play. All for the sake of removing the backlog, not for your own entertainment.

If I am going to be frank, this is mostly me being overdramatic about my bad habits - but I hate robbing time from myself. And so, if I want to take those habits seriously, no matter how small they are, I have to guilt myself away from them.

Onto another topic, I've been thinking a lot recently. What is so unusual about being twenty-one is the fact you're at an age where there are people becoming parents and getting houses while there are also people doing the complete opposite. It's a little distorting since I know I am not the standard adult. I like to think I am adulting, yet, even so, I feel disconnected to some adults - specifically parents. I suppose it's only nature to see nuturing adults as more mature than myself?

I don't think that is a bad thing though. My parents wouldn't want me to rush adulthood and I know it's good to value my youth while I can. If there was anything that I am fearful of missing, I do worry if I will ever find true love, someone who I could visualise making a family with. Obviously I definitely cannot imagine having a child right now because I need to imagine a partner to make said child.

I like to think I am proud of myself for my evolution in this year, but I know I'm capable of so much more. Which is why I am excited for 2025, the year where I will hopefully blossom. And I hope my blossom will be everlasting, for spring to never leave my sight again. People say that there is a peak of all lifeforms, whether it is animals or plants, there will be a stage where it is at it's prime. Yet, if my mind resides in forever spring, then perhaps my blossoming will never end.